One Step At A Time

It was interesting tonight at Women Talk as I shared my

motivational moment, a recent hurtful situation with my mom came to the surface and before I knew it I was sharing some the details. I had not planned that but I knew in my heart that I have un-forgiveness and that it is creating a barrier in my life.

On my way home this evening, I felt that I need to be honest about how I feel right now. That it is important to my healing and to creating forgiveness, to release the negative energy attached to my relationship with my mother.

I know that I cannot go into her home for more than a very short time, a few minutes; the environment wreaks havoc with my emotions. This hoarding… this mess… while I remember the penalty for missing a dust bunny or a toast crumb on the floor when I was growing up. Now you cannot even see a floor. I recollect one occasion of being yelled at and slapped for splashing some water from the water pan on to the floor, being told I could clean floors better when I was 4. I was only 6 at the time. It was then she told me that I would amount to nothing and that I would never be able to do anything right ever.

I invited her to come to our trailer at the campground when we were in my hometown last week. I thought it would be a happy compromise, we could spend some time together and I would not have to be in her house. She assured me she would call the next morning, the call never came that day or the next day or the day after that. I did drive by her place twice during the week and her vehicle was not home. Deep down I must confess I was relieved. It is not that it did not want to see her but I could not go into her house. I feel guilty for feeling that way, and I feel angry that she was abusive to me as a child for failing to meet her expectations and now she lives this way.

On Sunday we stopped in for a moment to see my dad, to wish him a happy father’s day. I did share with him that I waited for a phone call that never came and replied that she is afraid to drive… I cannot describe the emotion I felt in that moment…she was not home on two occasions that week and the distance from her home to the campground is merely blocks away with only the need to travel on one street from the north end to the south end of tow